Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Stupid human voices always ruining everything.

Turn down the porn soundtrack! Trying to concentrate here!-Shane

How about a little noise. How do you expect a man to putt?

When you hear extraneous noise, they are bored in some way, so it makes me upset. Even coughing, I find, is passive-aggressive, usually.

Look, maybe I'm just not good at multi-tasking and am, therefore, jealous of those of you who can get in a workout while yammering on your cell phone, but for the love of all that is good and pure, shut your yap!

I don't like telephones.

If two people live together, one has to be patient, and typically, the other one is very annoying.

Phones are interesting objects. Sometimes you wish they just didn't exist.

If the sound of happy children is grating on your ears, I don't think it's the children who need to be adjusted.

Good. If you checked your e-mail every five minutes, or keep texting and Tweeting in the middle of our conversation, I might snap your neck out of sheer principle.

Stop being so...optimistic, its getting on my nerves." "No problem. Do you want me to be all gloom and doom or just shut up?" "Just shut up." "Can do." "Really? Doesn't seem like it." -Jacob and seth

Quit calling me Grey. It makes me sound like I’m a boy. Like Dorian Gray.” “Dorian who?” I sighed. “Just think up something else. Plain old Nora works too, you know.” “Sure thing, Gumdrop.” I grimaced. “I take that back. Let’s stick with Grey.

After some while Bilbo became impatient. "Well, what is it?" he said. "The answer's not a kettle boiling over, as you seem to think by the noise you are making.

I need noise and interruptions and irritation: irritation and discomfort are a great starter. The loneliness of doing it any other way would kill me.

Next time I’ll just send the three of you e-mails. What was I thinking when I decided to have this meeting? (Acheron) Oh, I know. That men who are a couple of thousand years old could actually behave like grownups? (Nick) (Zarek elbowed Nick in the stomach.) Oops. Involuntary arm spasm. (Zarek)

Women kill me. They really do. I don't mean I'm oversexed or anything like that—although I am quite sexy. I just like them, I mean. They're always leaving their goddam bags out in the middle of the aisle.

She glared at him. "You're doing it again." "What?" "That thing that irritates me." "Smiling?" "Yes. That.

For gods' sake, Strider," Torin snapped. "Open your mouth and form some words. While you're at it, stop staring at the angel like he's a tasty treat.

If only the Geologists would let me alone, I could do very well, but those dreadful Hammers! I hear the clink of them at the end of every cadence of the Bible verses.

People are always ruining things for you.

Very well. I understand. Just ... shut up!

I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude.

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

Why don't you make a contibution to my sanity, and do the one thing you never seem to be able to do... SHUT UP!!!

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."