Norm MacDonald Quotes

At one time I smoked, but in 1959 I couldn't think of anything else to give up for Lent so I stopped - and I haven't had a cigarette since.

I've got two vices: cigarettes and taters.

I Don't Need the nicotene patch, Penny - I smoke cigarettes.

My cigarettes and I are going outside. At least they show me respect.

Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth.

I was warned to stop smoking, which I did, for two or three days, but it was too lonesome, and I have resumed - in a modified way - 4 smokes a day instead of 40. This will have a good effect. On the bank balance.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

Love is a four-letter word, but you don't hear in nearly as often as you hear some other four-letter words. It may be a sign of our times that everyone talks openly about sex, but we seem to be embarrassed to talk about love.

I was single long enough, and when I was, it wasn't about putting notches in the bedpost.

Most women complain that there are no single, straight men left. I’d just like to meet one who’s human.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

I don't know. I don't like girls whining and complaining about wanting a man! I never liked "Sex and the City", the kind of thing where women only feel empowered once they find The Man. It is just not up my alley. I don't believe in it. There is nothing you can control about love.

I'm a pretty shy guy when it comes to girls and sex.

If you ever lit a cigarette in your life, you have very little will to live.

I have stopped smoking now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it was only to show off; it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds.

Attention gets you the opposite sex sometimes.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

Why go around dating random girls and having terrible sex when you can be with someone you really like?

I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon, but I cannot understand the love affair.

I don't really have a problem with just wanting sex. Never have. Even when I was a virgin and wanted to marry the first guy who I slept with, I never passed any judgments about that. But now I'm done [with dating around].

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, 'I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive.' And six months later you're like, 'Lord, any mammal with a day job.

There is nothing so awkward as courting a woman whilst she is making sausages.

To smoke or not to smoke: I can make of either a life-work.