Bill Hicks Quotes

In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did.

A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross?

Me personally, I don't have anything against Jesus any more than I do any of the religious icons. I think they're all pretty funny.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I was raised Unitarian, and my mother said she took us to church so that we wouldn't get religious later in life.

At the end of the day, I always maintain you can substitute 'The Book of Mormon' for 'The Bible: The Musical' or 'The Quran: The Musical.'

I'm a Jew. Thirty-three is when Christ died. So though I'm a Jew, in the back of my mind I still think that I gotta get it done before I'm thirty-four because well, I don't know why. He got it done before He was thirty-four.

The most serious parody I have ever heard was this: In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

She was a good Christian woman with a large respect for religion, though she did not, of course, believe any of it was true.

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what's that smell?

I would love him to save me a place in his team, George Best that is, not God.

Some people thinks that I'm the Antichrist, which would be a really good disguise for the Antichrist. You'd never see a pudgy, out-of-shape guy, 5 o'clock in the afternoon, being the Antichrist, would you?

I don't mind most religious people, I talk to them. I listen to them, you know, banging on. "I prayed very hard and then the fairy came." "Did he? Good. Have a biscuit." I only get annoyed when they try and make me see the fairy. "You have to let the fairy into your heart." Look, I wouldn't let him into my garden, okay? I'd shoot him on sight, if he existed, which he doesn't. Now have another biccie and be quiet, will you please?

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

On the information sheet in a New York hotel, I recently read: 'Dear guest! To guarantee that you will fully enjoy your stay with us, this hotel is totally smoke-free. For any infringement of this regulation, you will be charged $200.' The beauty of this formulation, taken literally, is that you are to be punished for refusing to fully enjoy your stay.

Idolatry is permissible in Hinduism when it sub serves an ideal.

I am not ashamed to be a Christian, and I am glad to know that the President of the United States is a Christian, for without the help of the Almighty I do not think he could rightly judge in ruling so many people. I have advised all of my people who are not Christians, to study that religion, because it seems to me the best religion in enabling one to live right.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

Here comes the pope saying, "Well, that may be true about Cruz, but you build walls, and we Christians don't do that. So you're not a Christian, either." Sometimes all you can do is chuckle. I mean, you need a break from it some. You just can't be intense and wadded up all the time here, folks.

I think it is safe to say that while the South is hardly Christ-centered, it is most certainly Christ-haunted.

I don’t want to slam somebody else’s religion. I mean as a Catholic, we’re basically cannibals: We eat Jesus every Sunday, you know? So who am I to say your religion is creepy?

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.