Henny Youngman Quotes

Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.

The reason the Democrats are so intent on passing a stem-cell bill is they're depending on the research to grow themselves a spine.

I don't trust their [Bill and Hillary Clinton ] sense of boundaries.

I have received no more than one or two letters in my life that were worth the postage.

I'd almost prefer [Richard] Nixon. I'd say [Bill] Clinton is every bit as corrupt as Nixon, but a lot smoother.

After all, Bill Clinton is the guy that signed welfare reform.

Politicians such as Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich along with talking heads such as Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and Anne Coulter are not the problem, they are symptomatic of a much more disturbing assault on critical thought, if not rational thinking itself.

It's one thing for a courier service transport letters and documents from one city to another at a cost that only big business can afford; but it's another thing to take a letter from an Indian boy studying at the University of Ottawa to his mother in Old Crow.

Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.

The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

My father taught me that a bill is like a crying baby and has to be attended to at once.

I can't tell you how proud I am to be the head coach of the Buffalo Bills.

Now aren't you glad I made you take a bath?" Bill asked. "One less bottle of eau de reekette punching holes in l'ozone.

I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And believe me, you are no Thomas Jefferson. (at 1992 Republican party convention, referring to Bill Clinton)

Say a word, say a thousand to me on the telephone and I shall choose the wrong one to cling to as though you had said it after long deliberation when only I provoked it from you, I will cling to it from among a thousand, to be provoked and hurl it back with something I mean no more than you meant that, something for you to cling to and retreat clinging to.

I certainly would like to prevent, if I could legally, anybody having an abortion, a rich woman, a middle-class woman, or a poor woman. Unfortunately, the only vehicle available is the…Medicaid bill.

I have long had a theory Bill Clinton-Hillary Clinton relationship. Not how they met, not that story, not the courtship or any of that. But how it happened that this once-in-a-lifetime woman.

Bill Clinton is the guy that said, "The era of Big Government is over." Whether or not he meant it or not, he said it.

Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity are the Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry.

If it is mind that we are searching the brain, then we are supposing the brain to be much more than a telephone-exchange. We are supposing it to be a telephone-exchange along with subscribers as well.

I've passed on a number of bills. I've studied the Constitution myself. I am reasonably well educated...

When Bill Clinton assembled the top minds of the nation to discuss the economy in 1992, no one mentioned the Internet.

Sometimes, I think Bill forgets that I am sixteen. But I am very happy that he does.

We're living in a state where no one can trust his telephone conversations, nor even his personal conversations in a room, in a bar or anywhere else.

Excuse me, everybody, I have to go to the bathroom. I really have to telephone, but I'm too embarrassed to say so.