Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I love poking fun at myself. I have a rather mean sense of humor.

I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared.

I would love to do a comedy, but comedy probably in the sense of a dark comedy like 'Californication,' that sort of thing. Yeah, sure, I think I'm funny.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Chekhov, when it's done well and you're ready for it, can actually be quite funny.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

Sex is pretty funny, let's face it. And the more seriously we take ourselves, the funnier sex gets, I think.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

Sometimes my humor does offend people, and I've said it before: I don't write jokes to be offensive. I write jokes to be funny, and I guess what I find funny are things that other people sometimes find offensive. I would love nothing more than to never offend anyone, but it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, OK!

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I think my general disposition on life is finding what's funny about it. When something happens, the first thing in my mind is, "What's funny about it?"

What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.

A lot of the stuff Kafka said he thought was hilariously funny.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.