Karl Pilkington Quotes

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

What does politically correct mean? If you're fat, don't ask me if you're fat, because I'm gonna tell you the truth. You're fat.

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.

I mean, the criticism of Donald Trump is that he could win this race, and that he was doing well and he was rebounding and his numbers in various states were rebounding - and then he went after Miss Universe and talked about her being too fat and talked about women's looks again, and women don't like that...

No means yes in grasshopper language.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

Who is this Baby Ruth? And what does she do?

The idea of the straight man is very important. But I'd rather it be somebody else, because it's not as fun. And when I say somebody else, of course I mean Jason Bateman. He's born to play boring characters because he's such a bore. He's one of the most boring human beings.

It seems totally unfair that the way we look matters so much. I mean, why can't we just get over this gotta-be-thin-and-beautiful thing? Why can't we just accept ourselves and others for what we are?

How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies - you've got to draw a line there.

Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.

I grew up as the ugly duckling, they called me 'la prieta fea', which means ugly dark one - that was my nickname.

I'm just full of surprises." Watching her, he waved the wrapped bar from side to side. "You can have the candy if you sit on my lap." That sounds like something perverted old men say to young, stupid girls." I'm not old, and you're not stupid." He sat, patted his knee. "It's Belgian chocolate." Just because I'm sitting on your lap and eating your candy doesn't mean you can cop a feel," she said as she folded into his lap.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and-we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him;.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Trump, no matter what anybody thinks of him, is interesting. And Trump, no matter what anybody thinks of him, is funny. Trump, no matter what anybody thinks of him, is different. Trump, no matter what anybody thinks of him, is drama. Trump, no matter what anybody thinks of him, is unpredictable. All of that means, you can't miss it.

Go to Lord & Taylor on Fifth Avenue, I think it's the eighth floor, and it's just a department called 'Woman.' It's rather devastating. You've never seen such hideous clothes in your entire life. I mean, it's simply appalling. Thank God there are no windows on that floor, because if I were a size 18, I'd throw myself right out the window [after seeing those clothes]. It's insulting what these designers do to these women.

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

I'm bi-lots of things but lingual isn't one of them. Wait, did I mean to say that?

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I just felt like, "Why would you discuss my body as if it's an object?" People will come up and say things like, "Are your breasts real?" I mean, people will come up and discuss my body as if I'm not human.