Noel Fielding Quotes

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I know people think I invented the Victoria sandwich, but I'm really not that old.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

Uh, my lord, I am not actually food. You do realize this, yes?

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters." Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs." She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs. "These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations." "All natural!" Fleecy chimed in. "I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.

If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.

A lot of the stuff Kafka said he thought was hilariously funny.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Put cream and sugar on a fly and it tastes very much like a raspberry.

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.