Alice Levine Quotes

Every time my brain parks the car neatly in the driveway, my mouth drives through the back of the garage.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

If somebody's doing something, and you're laughing, and at the same time you're so embarrassed for them, it's my absolute kind of favorite type of laugh.

I have a really crazy cackle laugh, and I think sometimes people don't realize that they're not laughing at my jokes, they're actually just laughing because of my laugh.

I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.

Clumsy jesting is no joke.

It was like making a blunder at a party; there was nothing to do about it, it was dreadfully mortifying, but it showed a lack of sense to ascribe too much importance to it.

The first indication of menopause is a broken thermostat. It's either that or your weight. In any case, if you don't do something, you could be dead by August. God, middle age is an unending insult.

The 40s are when you start trading your psychological problems for physical ones.

Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.

Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.

Whenever you get a bunch of guys that are funny or think they’re funny, when you first meet, there’s always a lot of bits and it’s never, ever, ever funny. So basically you have to get through the awkwardness.

EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'

I tell you old and young are better than tired middle-aged, nothing is so dead dead-tired, dead every way as middle-aged.

It is one of the consolations of middle aged reformers that the good that they inculcate must live after them if it is to live at all.

Sarah Palin is now the guy who hangs out in the high school parking lot, showing off his car, five years after he graduated.

You should let dialogue get as nearly out of control as you can. Characters should say what they say to each other instead of what they mean to say. The worst purpose of dialogue is to elicit information: "You know why we're out on this space station, Carruthers - to save the universe!"

But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty? I live according to twenty-year-old habits.

I remember I autographed it to Mutt Lange, and I may only have put one t on Mutt. I mean, I'd never heard of such a name. I'm sure he must've thought that was quite funny. He must've known from that autograph, right off the bat, that I had no idea who he was.

There is San Diego - this retirement village, with its prim petticoat, that doesn't want to get too near the water. San Diego worries about all the turds washing up on the lovely, pristine beaches of La Jolla. San Diego wishes Mexico would have fewer babies. And San Diego, like the rest of America, is growing middle-aged.

A poor relation is the most irrelevant thing in nature, a piece of non pertinent correspondence, an odious approximation, a haunting conscience, a preposterous shadow, lengthening in the noontide of our prosperity.

Well, He had known what love was-a sharp pang, a fierce experience, in the midst of whose flames he was struggling! but, through that furnace he would fight his way out into the serenity of middle age,-all the richer and more human for having known this great passion.

And like most middle-aged people who hear the clock ticking in their lives, I had come to resent a waste or theft of my time that was greater than any theft of my goods or money.