Dennis Lehane Quotes

Cartooning is about deconstruction: you gotta tear something down to make a joke.

It's a mystery to me what makes people laugh.

Psychoanalysis: a rabbit that was swallowed by a boa constrictor just wanted to see what it was like in there.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

Barbara Ehrenreich is smart, provocative, funny, and sane in a world that needs more of all four.

The kind of über-objective is to make people laugh. You always have to have that in the back of your mind, "Eh, I've got to figure out a way to make this funny."

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

My puns are not trivial. They are quadrivial

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

Many a true word is spoken in jest

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

It's harder when people are playing along, because it's just not as funny. They're trying to be funny, and it sort of cancels out the whole joke.

George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.

Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.

I tell the truth and I don't try to sugarcoat things. But I also decided that if you don't use humor or satire, then it's just too dark all the time. And one of my favorite literary works is A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift. As you know, that was an enormously famous satire piece that was able to point out, you know, things to people in a different way. And I do believe that satire and humor can reveal truth in a way that sometimes doesn't get revealed through other means. And so I decided to, every now and then, use satire and humor as well.

yesterday someone sent a message that was signed GOD! bernard said. really? dap said. i didn't know he was signed onto the system

I had a friend who had two degrees of being made up: when invited I would say 'Can I make up?' and he would say 'Oh yes - tinted?', or he would say, 'Oh yes - clotted?'

And what exactly is a dream and what exactly is a joke?

People who go for humor are wonderful because they do great humor. People who go for wit and end up with humor are people who have made a mistake.

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.

Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say: Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.