Jon Stewart Quotes

For my birthday, buy me a politician!

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Those of us who frequent the band room have long suspected that Becca maintains her lovely figure by eating nothing but the souls of kittens and the dreams of impoverished children.

I've taken up the Bible again, somewhat in the spirit of W.C. Fields - looking for loopholes.

Ridicule more often settles things more thoroughly and better than acrimony.

By rights, satire is a lonely and introspective occupation, for nobody can describe a fool to the life without much patient self-inspection.

People who do comedy really are the nastiest people on the planet.

I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

One parody is worth a thousand polemics.

Since someone ate crabs, others must have eaten spiders as well. However, they were not tasty. So afterwards, people stopped eating them. These people also deserve our heartfelt gratitude.

Mockery is often the result of a poverty of wit.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

Ridicule is often employed with more power and success than severity.

Ridicule is about the most powerful weapon possible.

It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.

Ridicule often checks what is absurd, and fully as often smothers that which is noble.

You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.

Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work that was done this year . . . by cosmetic surgeons.

You know, I might miss some of your witticisms when you’re gone, but one thing I won’t miss? Your overwhelming sense of melodrama and despair. It’s too much even for me.

Being a King sort of sucks," I said. Quentin wrinkled his nose, "So does your outfit." "Blood is in this season.

It's a dangerous game that comedy plays. Sometimes it tells you the truth; sometimes it delays it.