Christopher Moore Quotes

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

There's nothing funnier than the human animal.

The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.

Is there anything so grave and serious as an ass?

It's my job to be ridiculous.

The nice thing about gag manga is how it has this aspect where, at the very least, you're permitted to come out with anything. In my case, anything can talk. Like the mountains.

Daft Wee Stories' is, as the title says, daft wee stories. I just sort of rattled them out, tried to make them quite funny, with punchlines - they're kind of like sketches.

I love when people overexaggerate. It's so funny to me.

Humor is a way of saying we're all seeing the same ridiculous, absurd, infuriating things together.

Comedy characters that take themselves very seriously, but are actually fools, is so funny.

I love comedy that seems kind of a little bit absurd.

I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.

I have a spaniel that defrocked a nun last week. He took hold of the cord. I had hold of the leash. It was like elephants holding tails. Imagine me undressing a nun, even second hand.

I certainly got the jokes within the joke, dressing up in a wet suit, sitting in a Twingo, scaling a rubber mountain, dressing up and stealing a diamond, of course. If not now, when?

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.” Mickey sighed. “What’s his story?” the wraith asked. “He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.

"Anybody have money?" Frank checked his pockets. "Three denarii from Camp Jupiter. Five dollars Canadian." Hedge patted his gym shorts and pulled out what he found. "Three quarters, two dimes, a rubber band and - score! A piece of celery." He started munching on the celery, eyeing the change and the rubber band like they might be next.

The only thing I can recommend at this stage is a sense of humor, an ability to see things in their ridiculous and absurd dimensions, to laugh at others and at ourselves, a sense of irony regarding everything that calls out for parody in this world. In other words, I can only recommend perspective and distance.

Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, Can you please screw this up really bad?

I love watching people be totally committed in a very real way to stupid situations. I find it's not so much trying to be funny, it's trying to be real in a messed up context. That's comedy to me.

I watch people's behavior and notice things. I think that's why I became a comedian. I notice how stupid the things we do are.

Do not fear being ridiculous in relation to the ridiculous.

It is inconceivable how much wit it requires to avoid being ridiculous.

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.