Jim Gaffigan Quotes

You can never have enough garlic. With enough garlic, you can eat The New York Times.

I haven’t seen so much pork since I gave out ribbons at the Iowa State Fair.

My own opinion is enough for me. And I claim the right to defend it against any consensus, any majority anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line and kiss my ass.

Astonishing things can be done with the human memory if you will devote it faithfully to one particular line of business.

There are lines that just stick with me, like I mean I still can remember it's like every line that I say from Nightcrawler, I mean it's just always there.

Never stop because you are afraid - you are never so likely to be wrong. Never keep a line of retreat: it is a wretched invention. The difficult is what takes a little time; the impossible is what takes a little longer.

Maybe someday you will understand, that something for nothing is everybody's plan.

Take hold of objects by their centres, not by their lines of contour... The contour accentuated uniformly and beyond proportion, destroys plasticity, bringing forward those parts of an object which are always most distant from the eye - namely its outlines.

There is a great line of women stretching out behind you into the past, and you have to seek them out and find them in yourself and be conscious of them.

Everything has already begun before, the first line of the first page of every novel refers to something that has already happened outside the book.

Whose lines are mottoes of the heart,Whose truths electrify the sage.

I don't believe it is in the state's interest to industrialize our ridge lines.

I come from a long line of Sinners like me

But history does matter. There is a line connecting the Armenians and the Jews and the Cambodians and the Bosnians and the Rwandans. There are obviously more, but, really, how much genocide can one sentence handle?

There lay between them, separating them, that same terrible line of the unknown and of fear, like the line separating the living from the dead.

I've never been someone to count lines, look at it that way.

There always comes a point beyond which lying becomes counterproductive. This point is reached when the audience to which the lies are addressed is forced to disregard altogether the distinguishing line between truth and falsehood in order to be able to survive.

It was night, and the rain fell; and falling, it was rain, but, having fallen, it was blood.

I can never say a line someone else has given me, which is why script meetings on TV shows always go terribly for me.

Bottom line: the ‘no upward trend’ has to continue for a total of 15 years before we get worried.

Where do you draw the line between peace and justice? If you ask the victims, they want more justice; if you ask the potential victims, they want more peace.

Definitions are the guardians of rationality, the first line of defense against the chaos of mental disintegration.

Circles and right lines limit and close all bodies, and the mortal right-lined circle must conclude and shut up all.

Decide which is the line of conduct that presents the fewest drawbacks and then follow it out as being the best one, because one never finds anything perfectly pure and unmixed, or exempt from danger.

Life is a cruel, horrible joke and I am the punch line.