Sherman Alexie Quotes

I don't have to announce all the women I've slept with.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

I was a superlate bloomer, and I was kind of a prude. I always wanted to be able to keep the number of people I've had sex with very low, because I never wanted to have to tell my future wife, "Oh, yeah, I was with 30 people."

I'm no expert, Rock, but I don't think I have any poontang...to give you.

If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny.

Comedy always pushes some buttons, because it wouldn't be comedy if it didn't.

I still get blokes who say, 'Oh you hate men, don't you?' And I say, 'No, I just hate you.' I really love doing that, just to see the look on their faces.

You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.

I'm not hurting anybody. Comedy's all about innuendo. I'm putting it out there just like anybody else.

When you get a question like, 'Did you like meeting Her Majesty?' 'No, I thought she was a slob.' I mean, what are you going to say... The mischief comes into me when I'm doing a Q&A, I'm 9 years old again. I don't get mad. I do get offended.

With my humor, I end up offending everybody!

I like to make fun of serious matters.

Now, I am not saying that the world is flat, but it could be.

Hamish smiled and rubbed his hands together. "Sure we can. What do you say? Pigs in a Blanket?" He leaned over the cool counter and raised his eyebrows at Gabrielle. "The only way I'll get under a blanket with you is if both of us are on fire," she told him.

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things. That is exactly what things were originally made for.

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

Jess! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Are you all right? Are you alive? Did I hurt you? Jess? Can you speak?” – Abigail “Yeah, I can talk. But I kind of like the attention you’re giving me. You want to grope a little lower, it’d be even better.” – Sundown

Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck.

Vee lowered her lashes and smiled wickedly. "This class isn't going to teach me anything I don't already know." "Vee? As in virgin?" "Not so loud." She winked just as the bell rang, sending us both to our seats, which were side by side at our shared table.

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

I've never written about sex in my diary. Like if you read my diary, you wouldn't think I'm a virgin, but you would have no idea what it is that I've actually ever done.

Her heart pounded as [Cam's] lips bypassed hers and came to a stop, whispering in her ear: 'Don't let him flip you off next time.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.