Frank Carson Quotes

Puns are a form of humor with words.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

I love puns. I've been known to turn the car around just to take advantage of a good pun situation. It really is the highest form of humor.

I always told people Alabama was the smartest state because it has four As and a B.

I like really bad puns - proper, red-top, nasty puns - I find them funny.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Yogi saw three of his players in the locker room wearing Cone Head hats. Yogi said, Those guys make a pair.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".