JENNIFER COOLIDGE

A boyfriend has so much to do with a woman blossoming.

A man's ability to haggle is never a turn-on. The only thing less romantic than how much you paid is how much you saved. The last thing we want to hear is how you talked the jeweler down on our new earrings.

When it's going well, stand-up is the best thing in the world, but when it's not, it feels like all your toes are being pulled off one by one.

I've made a career of taking roles that other actresses didn't want.

I always find the most depressing stuff most interesting.

I don't actually go on the Internet that much.

As young, hot actors living in Hollywood, you get even more attractive.

I read a script and I know immediately whether that role is for me or not.

I always date younger men. For some reason that's just the way it's gone, because younger guys have always asked me out and I accept.

I dated a guy who played bad guys in movies all the time, and I think he was just a bad guy.

I'm kind of harsher than most people.

People have this view, 'Oh, you're in movies, your life is so glamorous' but it can really suck.

I have been able to sniff out a phony.

Short of spending $10,000, there is nothing you can do to your head to hide the fact that you're going bald.

When you're an actress, there are only a few times you can really get paid. One of them is doing a sequel. They can't fake you or hire another actor to play you.

Hair extensions and wigs are not the same thing. Wigs are for old ladies and drag queens. Extensions are for women who want longer hair. To be safe, never bring it up if you think a woman is wearing either. No good comes of it.

Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn't about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can't go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I'm lucky my face can look so hideous.

I do shows, stage shows all the time, and I'm so afraid that people are going to recognize themselves, and they never do. They never do. They're always like, 'Oh, that woman was ridiculous,' and yeah, they're talking about themselves.

Meryl Streep was my hero. I wanted to be that type of actor more than anything.

Dating is... weird.

It ends up being a terrible movie if you try and please everyone.

When people slave over those scripts and pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for them, they don't usually want you to add farts.

I hate Spanx.

I can't get the serious roles. People don't see me that way.

The standup thing has been really fun, really seeing the United States instead of reading about it.