JEN KIRKMAN

I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.

Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip.

I'm not a big fan of young people.

Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.

Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.

Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.

People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.

Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.

I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.

Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.

The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.

I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.

I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.

Parents talk a lot about how much strength and dedication it takes to raise a child. I think it also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn't seem normal to anyone else.

I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.

Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.

I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.

I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.

What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.

Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.

A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.

At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.

We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'

Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.

Eventually I'm going to be too old to be on camera, and I've been doing stand-up a long time.