HENRY BEARD

Whenever I dream of playing a perfect round of golf, which I rarely do more than a dozen times a day, I picture myself on one of my favorite British Open-style links, and in particular the great courses of the west of Ireland, whose holes flow through naturally bunkered dunesland never far from the sight or sound of surf.

You can often wash your troubles away with the right kind of bath. Throw everything you have into the tub: bubble gels, bubble oils, bubble powders, bubble gum.

There is no such thing as a 'correct' weight for any particular height - they are only averages.

Hole in One: an occurence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole in a single shot by a golfer playing alone.

A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the bottom.

Hoeing: A manual method of severing roots from stems of newly planted flowers and vegetables.

Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.

A tap-in is a putt that is short enough to be missed one-handed.

Fairway: a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers looking for lost balls in the rough.

Advice to anglers: don't take advice from people with missing fingers.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

Handicap: an allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers of very different ability to do equally poorly on the same course.

"Play it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf

If the wind is in your face, you swing too hard just to get the ball through it; if the wind is at your back, you swing too hard just to see how far you can get the ball to go.

You do not sew with a fork and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles.

It's often necessary to hit a second shot to really appreciate the first one.

The true definition of a perennial: Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.

Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study Shanks - No Thanks by R.K. Hoffman, or in extreme cases, M.S. Howard's excellent Tennis for Beginners.

Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Follow through: The part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been hit, but before the club has been thrown.

Garden: One of a vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by charity-minded amateurs in an effort to provide healthful, balanced meals for insects, birds and animals.

A driving range is the place where golfers go to get all the good shots out of their system.

Few golfers are born with the natural talent for hitting the ball, but every player is blessed with the God-given ability to throw a club.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.