Charlie Sheen gave me a signed headshot. I think it said, 'Keep it real.' But 'real' was spelled 'reel,' like a film reel.
My little computer said such a funny thing this morning.
All last year we tried to teach him (Fernando Valenzuela) English, and the only word he learned was million.
I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.
That's the easiest 69 I ever made.
The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can't charge it.
According to the statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him.
I'm German but I didn't say that. I have no moustache.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
Somebody give me a banana. I'm playing like a monkey, so I might as well eat like one.
I just downloaded the new Alvin and the Chipmunks album! They're the only guys that make music in my key!
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I'm not a tall man. I'm just a hair under 5'5.
'Now I've tasted chocolate I'm not going back'. That's a great line. That's not me, that's all the writing. I mean it's like it doesn't matter who plays it, it's a great role. It's such a funny, tongue in cheek kind of great role.
I bet Maurice Gibb's heart monitor was singing the tune of Stayin' Alive.
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!
Surprise me! Yogi's reply when he was asked by his wife, Carmen, where he would like to be buried
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.
So much leather inside my car my horn moos.
I am keeping with tradition today. After I learned of my Golden Globe nomination, I went to the dentist, so today, let's make it the orthodontist.
Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is Perth Pink. This is a bottle with a message in, and the message is "beware". This is not a wine for drinking; this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.
