Dave Barry Quotes

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

All my children inherited perfect pitch.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.