Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

As far as I'm concerned, love means fighting, big fat lies, and a couple of slaps across the face.

Oh, are we at the insult part of the breakup?" she says. "Because I got in a lot of practice after what happened with Will. I have several choice things to say about her nose.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand? I'm going out to find my woman, caught her messing around with another man.

My attitude toward men who mess around is simple: If you find 'em, kill 'em.

I’ll whip his ass!

When I was in high school, I hid in the back seat of an old boyfriend's car when he was out with another girl. He finally found me, but not until after he had made out with her for an hour.

If you see a man kiss me, I better be in my casket.

Domestic violence and violence against women in general seems to be a big problem everywhere in the world. It seems to me this problem comes from stress, pent up anger, frustration, and all kinds of negativity within human beings.

When I find the motherfucker who tortured an innocent cat to death just to send us a warning, I'm going to clobber him with a baseball bat

When he beat my mother it made me so mad.

It's important that you take care of yourself and blow off steam in the right way. Don't let some woman walk in and say, "hey, goodbye!" and take your man. Kill her if you can! I'm only kidding.

and standing before me a bloodied bottle of Absolut in her hand, is Mrs. Allington, her pink jogging suit drenched, her chest heaving, her eyes filled with contempt as she stared down at Rachel's prone body. Mrs. Allington shakes her head. "I'm a size twelve," she says.

Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

I'm even afraid to lay down with you at night, because when you go to bed at night, mean woman, you got an ice pick in your hand.

Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.

I slammed the door in the child's face, a horrific scream trapped in my throat.

Do you remember? When the fights seemed to go on and on, and always ended with us in bed, tearing at each other like maybe that could change everything. In a couple of months you'd be seeing somebody else and I would too; she was no darker than you but she washed her panties in the shower and had hair like a sea of little punos and the first time you saw us, you turned around and boarded a bus I knew you didn't have to take. When my girl said, Who was that? I said, Just some girl.

Here stands a girl clutching a knife. There is grease on the stove, blood in the air, and angry words piled in the corners. We are trained not to see it, not to see any of it. . . . Someone just ripped off my eyelids.

Take it back Oh, take it back I don't want your lovin', anymore Let me live Oh, let me live It's not you who I sing for

I pissed on the man who called me a dog. Why was he so surprised?

Go mad, and beat their wives; Plunge (after shocking lives) Razors and carving knives Into their gizzards.

It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.

She's gone. Been gone for ages. They split up right after you left. That's why the grass out front started growing again." "He's got a new girlfriend?" she said quietly. "Thank god. You must be happy." "Yeah. He does. It's a relief. She's a lot nicer. But then, your average angry snake is nicer than Fiona. I'm sure she's happier wherever she is now, burning orphans or whatever she does with her time.

You killed my dog! Get your affairs in order.