Ed O'Neill Quotes

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

I'm funny at home too, but not deliberately. My wife is usually laughing at me rather than with me.

My dad has a dry, deadpan sense of humor, and my mom has an unexpected, wacky take on things. They really encouraged laughing at ourselves and the weirdness of situations that come up growing up in politics.

When my husband tells our daughter, 'You get that trait from Mom,' she lights up with pride. We all know who he's talking about. And it's not me. I'm fine with this.

I had lunch the other day with my niece, Emma, and she said, 'You're so smart, Aunt Julia.' And I wanted to say, 'I'm not smart - I'm 41! You're 17!'

It’s called Two and a Half Men,” Dermot was telling his guest. “I understand,” Bellenos said. “Because the two brothers are grown, and the son isn’t.” “I think so,” Dermot said. “Don’t you think the son is useless?” “The half? Yes. At home, we’d eat him,” Bellenos said.

My wife has joked that if anything ever happened to me, she'd gladly live out her life without anyone else around. I think it bugs her I'm home all the time; such is the life cycle of the cartoonist, however.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I wasn't funny. My brother was the funny one in the family.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I come from a family of teasers myself. My grandfather was from Liverpool, and he had a dry sense of humor, and he would tease us terribly. My brother Beau was so skilled in his teasing that he could get a rise out of me by simply pointing at me.

My wife and kids maybe beg to differ, but I am generally a good guy.

I have a lot of friends with bad taste in music - some might say that I have bad taste in music.

All our wives are experimental psychologists.

I am a comedian: that means I laugh at things other people don't laugh at and also annoys my wife sometimes.

My dad often jokes that I enjoy attention. But then who doesn't.

I reckon I'm actually one of the least funny in my family.

For me, 'The Goldbergs' was about surviving a crazy family - and believe me, the show is a sanitized version!

My dad always jokes that if I ever write an autobiography, which I'm not going to, it'll be called 'It's Tough in the Middle.'

My youngest sister does not like tennis at all, and she'll be the first one to tell you that, which I find pretty funny.

Once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence she finds it almost impossible to get a husband: she simply cannot go on listening without snickering.

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check.

These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.'

If you passed me walking home from school, you probably wouldn't even notice me. That's because I'm just a kid like you. I go to school like you. I get bullied like you. Unlike you, I live in Idaho. Don't ask me what state Idaho is in––news flash––Idaho IS a state. ~Michael Vey

One time, my mother told me that I always eat like I'll never see food again. And I said, "I won't unless I bring it home." That shut her up.