Alexander Woollcott Quotes

Ah, bless you, Sister, may all your sons be bishops.

The only reason I'd bring a Bible out here is if I needed toilet paper.

There goes the parson, oh illustrious spark! And there, scarce less illustrious, goes the clerk.

You gave me your curse, holy Fathers. I give you a blessing: May you be as moral and religious as I am.

People vomitied at my movies; not because of the movie but because they were drunk. I took credit anyway.

Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office. That's what Jesus would do.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

"Have you heard any Stockhausen?" Beecham was asked. "No, but I believe I have stepped in some."

When a horse learns to buy martinis, I'll learn to like horses.

I've been an atheist ever since I heard there was only a stairway to heaven

You are absolute angels of the first order. If I were Pope, I’d canonize you.” “The Pope would probably love to turn a cannon on you!

I am so hip even my errors are correct

I knew I was crazy because I was watching Jesus Christ Superstar and the part where Jesus carries the cross up the mountain, I actually said to myself, "Wow! That must be a really good workout! Yeah, because you're doing arms and cardio!"

A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it.

When those people get up at the Grammys and say, "I thank God", I always imagine God going, "Oh, don't, please don't thank me for that one. Please, oh, that's an awful one! Don't thank me for that - that's a piece of crap !"

Thank you God for making me an atheist.

Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Built God a church and laughed His word to scorn.

What is gayer than believing in a household god?

Did God who gave us flowers and trees, Also provide the allergies?

So, yeah. Our cat was a goddess. What else is new?

God will forgive me. It's his job." Heine said this on his deathbed (1856). Hilarious. He must have thought that up years before and counted the seconds to use it.