Terry Pratchett Quotes

I'm so uncoordinated, I can't really do that much, so my specialty is standing in one spot or holding on to something, like an exploding rocket or a jetski.

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old clothes closet.

Ridicule is also a weapon against forces of evil. Really clever, intelligent ridicule.

Hattie.' Grace patted my arm. 'My cows sing better than you do.

What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.

Seeing John Major govern the country is like watching Edward Scissorhands try to make balloon animals.

Satire is an abuse of wit. It corrects few evils.

It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself.

... it is curious how fatal it is, either to a situation or to an individual, or even to a name, if in an evil moment it becomes funny.

New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.

[When criticized for appearing bare-shouldered Madonna-like at a banquet:] A comparison between Madonna and me is a comparison between a strapless evening gown and a gownless evening strap.

The only good imitations are those that poke fun at bad originals.

To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.

Robinson had a servant even better than Friday: His name was Crusoe.

Will a day come when the race will detect the funniness of these juvenilities and laugh at them—and by laughing at them destroy them? For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, Money, Persuasion, Supplication, Persecution--these can lift at a colossal humbug,—push it a little— crowd it a little—weaken it a little, century by century: but only Laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of Laughter nothing can stand. - "The Chronicle of Young Satan," Mysterious Stranger Manuscripts

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

"Uh-huh," I said. "Because all you mad, evil scientists sit around whipping up batches of Pillsbury's finest during your coffee breaks. I mean, this is pathetic."

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

From Lucifer to Jerry Sneak there is not an aspect of evil, imperfection, and littleness which can elude the lights of humor or the lightning of wit.

Satire, though it may exaggerate the vice it lashes, is not justified in creating it in order that it may be lashed.

We all need to be mocked from time to time, lest we take ourselves too seriously.

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!