John Mulaney Quotes

I think that all of us are 5-year-olds and we don't want to be embarrassed in the schoolyard.

I was made fun of a lot in middle school. When I was in seventh grade, the popular kids paid the most popular guy to ask me out.

However much I might have yearned to be one of The Beautiful Ones, particularly at those ghastly school discos, where any desperate attempt to impress the opposite sex lead to at best deep humiliation, I now feel extremely blessed that I wasn't.

I've never been cool.

You know you don't have to be the most popular kid in the school to have people acknowledge your presence.

I don't know if I was popular in high school. My school was actually not really clique-y, which was nice. I went to a very artsy school, so everyone was kind of friends with each other. I was trying to be popular more, like, in junior high and elementary school and dealt with all that backstabbing and drama.

Growing up, I was picked on a bit; I was pretty heavy-set, and then I was a theater kid. I just felt unpopular and uncool, so I think in my mind I had this idea of fame and being popular and how nice that would be. The reality of it is sometimes it's not nice.

I used to feel so shy speaking to girls. It was even worse when they were around their crew because they would diss me.

All you have to do is say, 'I'm going home,' and you're the most popular girl at the party.

I think a lot of young kids at school are very conscious of trying to keep credibility in case they kind of stand out in a crowd and get bullied by trying to stay cool and stuff. And my whole thing, all the way through school, was I was just a goof... I didn't care.

I was very average in the social label scale going through school. I was neither the coolest person in school, nor did I suffer the slings and arrows of being made fun of to such a degree that I couldn't get through the day.

Class clowns are never allowed to date anybody decent, but you don't get beaten up, you're invited to parties, and everybody likes you.

I'm a nerd. Total geek. I never went to homecoming or prom or anything.

Even Karaoke needs higher standards than I can reach, so I have gone great lengths to avoid being bullied into it.

You don't want to be too cool. But you don't want to be too dorky. Still, I find it so much better to see a guy at a club being a dork, and having fun, than trying to be sexy.

I've kind of blocked it out, but a good friend affectionately reminded me that yes, I was a dork. I was not a cool kid in high school.

Like every other girl in the world, my most embarrassing moment had to do with a guy completely turning me down. His loss!

Americans think that if you're popular, there must be something wrong with you.

Being famous is just like being in high school. But I'm not interested in being the cheerleader. I'm not interested in being Gwen Stefani. She's the cheerleader, and I'm out in the smoker shed.

The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life.

I definitely wasn't cool in high school. I really wasn't. I did belong to many of the clubs and was in leadership on yearbook and did the musical theater route, so I had friends in all areas. But I certainly did not know what to wear, did not know how to do my hair, all those things.

I didn't want to get that ring around my lips from practicing the trumpet, because I thought the girls wouldn't like me. So I never practiced.

When I was in middle school, some of my so-called friends found a catalogue ad I did for Superman pajamas. They made as many copies as they could and pasted them up all over school.

I was never into the popular school or clique or anything. Then I started doing movies when I was in high school, so then I got popular. Then the girls paid attention to you who didn't before.

The girls in kindergarten would chase us boys around trying to kiss us. I'm proud to say I was the first to stop running.