Dorothy Parker Quotes

I've got an air mattress for a bed...really living the high life.

I absolutely don't have $20 billion. But I'd love to, right?

I wouldn't change a thing - except my bank balance.

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

Of course I despise money when I haven't got any. It's the only dignified thing to do.

You don't smoke do you?" "No, why?" "They're afraid of fire." "Great, we're going to be eaten alive because neither of us smokes." I almost laughed. He sounded so thoroughly disgusted.

Life would be so colourful if only I had a drink problem.

Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.

He has no clue that I have the patience of a saint. At least that's what Carlos says, although that isn't saying much, considering his fuse is about as short as an eyelash.

Too many things on my mind, said Wilbur. Well, said the goose, that's not my trouble. I have nothing at all on my mind, but I've too many things under my behind.

I don't whistle at you down the street. I would if I could, but I can't whistle you see.

Apparently I don't do stairs, I won't walk on carpet and I refuse to walk on grass. How do I do to get around, hover?

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

I will not listen to your verse on an empty stomach!" declared the Vicomte. "You have no soul," said Philippe sadly. "But I have a stomach, and it cries aloud for sustenance." "I weep for you," said Philip. "Why do I waste my poetic gems upon you?

What took you so long?” Will asked when Evie came panting into the room. He and Jericho had assembled a stack of books, which they were tucking into Will’s attaché case. “I walked to Jerusalem for the Bible. I knew you’d want an original,” Evie snapped.

Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.

I already know how strong you are. You didn't have to break the furniture." —Bella Swan

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.' 'What you got on it?' the girl said. 'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.' 'Haw, haw,' the girl said politely.

He decided there was no point in telling her he'd looked in the fridge and seen none of these things. There'd just be some variation of his mother's standard crack about Male Refrigeration Blindness Syndrome.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

I never met a soul in this world as normal as me.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"