Justin Halpern Quotes

When you're cruising down the road in the fast lane and you lazily sail past a few hard-driving cars and are feeling pretty pleased with yourself and then accidently change down from fourth to first instead of third thus making your engine leap out of your hood in a rather ugly mess, it tends to throw you off stride in much the same way that this remark threw Ford Prefect off his.

I don't know how to drive a car.

We used to have skunks that would go under our house and scratch their backs. I remember after I had my first baby, I didn't really have many friends, but I got invited to a dinner with a group of people from town. We all took the same vehicle, and I got in, and someone goes, 'I smell skunk.' I had to fight back tears.

Nobody is born with a steering wheel or a gear shift in his hand. It's something you choose to do or you don't.

Once I was playing and moving around and I fell right on my back. Just straight on my back. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.

I'm always like, "Maybe I can drive the car. I can still fly the plane!"

There is no embarrassment quite like the embarrassment of listening to a person for whom one has a regard making a fool of himself.

I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.

I can do this thing called the 'eyebrow wave,' where I can move my eyebrows in a...wave-ular motion, whatever you call it. I feel like all the teen magazines have sucked me dry of my cool talents.

Ninety percent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.

If you could just see your face,” she told me. “You look like a cat in a bathtub.

We are ashamed at the sight of a monkey--somehow as we are shy of poor relations.

I've got a fleet of cars and I've never had a driving license, ever.

The car drives really really good so far. No changes on the next pit stop. It's great, I can hold it down right along the bottom here in the corners I'm just ridin' around out here just waiting until later to make a move

As he gave a sleepy, growling groan, that hand disappeared under the sheet. Arizona's lips parted, and her heartbeat tripped up. She cleared her throat. "Spencer?" Freezing, without moving any other body part, he opened his eyes and met her gaze. She frowned at him. He didn't look super-startled, and he said nothing. He just started at her. With his hand still under there. "Yeah..." Semi-satisfied with his frozen reaction, she nodded at his lap. "You weren't going for a little tug, were you? Because as your spectator, I'd just as soon not see it." -Arizona and Spencer

Klaus Wulfenbach: Was my son upset? Bangladesh DuPree: Oh, him? Yeah! He's all set to be a hero and rescue her--and then he finds out he'd need fireplace tongs to get her undressed? Yeah, upset is the word.

I don't feel so good." Lula said. And she farted. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. "Excuse me." she said. I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn't come near to farting like that.

My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents.

In the seventh grade, I was about to leave wearing a jumper, when my mom said she could see my panty line. So I just wore stockings. That day I broke my ankle, and the EMS cut my tights off. I got a full cast with no stockings on and no panties.

As a kid, I was terrified. I was a bed wetter and I had to go to sleepaway camp every summer, which was humiliating and terrifying. I had lots of insecurities and scaredness. I covered it with being funny and tough, but it's hard to be tough when you're making your cot in your bunk over soaking wet sheets and acting like nobody can smell anything.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

What's that smell?" I froze. What? Did I really smell so distasteful he had only to lean in my direction to catch a putrid whiff of me? I stayed the urge to break his freaking nose for pointing out my stinkiness. He sniffed again. "I can't place it." "How bad is it?" I asked, my cheeks heating. "It's good. Some kind of flower." My first thought: Hurray! I don't stink. My second: Ohmygod!

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

I haven't read the comic book. I didn't even know there was one until about halfway though. Helen Mirren and I were talking about that actually, who also felt kind of silly. When we had to run she was like, 'Oh God, we're both going to get fired.' The running sequences, it's a particular kind of humiliation because it's fun.