Oscar Wilde Quotes

I sometimes mistake my typewriter for my teeth, because the more I bite the more my column will be read.

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

I was a Teletype operator in the army, so that's where I learned to type. One day, I went downstairs to see if I could still type - I hadn't done it for four or five years after the war. So I typed out a page and I showed it to my wife and she said, "Where did you get this?" I said I wrote it. "You wrote this?" It was something very funny. I went and wrote another page, another couple of pages, and by the time I was finished I had 13 little short stories, humorous short stories.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

You know Alou's name spelled backwards is Uola? That sounds like a first name, Uola.

You can't spell squirrel without si, and that's me.

Someone sent me a picture of my name that was tattooed on their a***! The first thing I said was, the least you could have done was spell it properly!

Why? I mean, why you? I can perfectly comprehend not liking my husband. I dislike him intensely most of the time.” Professor Lyall stifled a chuckle. “I am given to understand that he does not approve of spelling one’ s name with two ll’s. He finds it inexcusably Welsh. I suspect he may be quite taken with you, however.

To some its Hump Day. To us, it's Wednesday's getting its ass kicked and Thursday just asked Friday to switch places.

The people of Sydney who can speak of my work without a smile are very scarce.

He was essentially a truth-speaking man, if only he know how to speak the truth.

One cannot dictate an aphorism to a typist. It would take too long.

I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball - he might grab mine.

That kind of language is what makes us laugh. Like, "Well, just eFax that to me, and I'll take a look at it."

To speak algebraically, Mr. M. is execrable, but Mr. G. is (x + 1)- ecrable.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

Is it O.K. that I speak in English? The only thing I know in Dutch is how to order pot.

Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

When you people have a set up joke and the joke is set up straight and the words are just well written, I always say "C'mon, humans don't speak that way."

It is having in some measure a sort of wit to know how to use the wit of others.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I'm the worst at teasing. I don't really know how much I can and can't say.

If at one time or another I have brushed a few colleagues the wrong way, I must apologize: I had not realized that they were covered with fur.