Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Parents like the idea of kids, they just don't like their kids.

I love my kids, they are amazing children, but they drive me bananas sometimes. And sometimes, I want to sell them on eBay... but I'm not going to.

I love my kids as individuals, not as a herd, and I do have a herd of children: I have seven kids.

It has been tough being a mother of two daughters without a co-parent because I think I was a child myself, as my mother was.

I love all my children, but some of them I don't like.

I don't know anybody that has a teenage son or daughter who at some point hasn't been like, 'God, I hate them' just under their breath. It's not meant to be literal. It's funny.

Whenever someone says to my mum: 'How's your son doing?' she says: 'Which one?' If you're a parent, you're not going to go: 'Oh I'll concentrate on the famous one.'

I grew up with both my parents around me at all times, but my kids are not knowing who I am half the time.

Every child is completely different. My two boys are opposites. Camden was such an easy baby. Jaxon is more of our rebel wild child, but he's also a mama's boy.

When a parent has two children, it is difficult to pick one favourite.

Kids don't come with instruction manuals. It's interesting, but after you have your kids, it's a blessing. It's not as hard as people may think it is.

I'll never get sick of raising my children, but other people might get sick of them.

Everybody knows the competing identities of people who have kids.

You know the troubles I've had with my two older children. I can't understand why it turned out so badly. I tried to give them everything. I loved them and tried to keep them near me, even when they didn't return my love. Well, I couldn't make them love me, but they could have shown some respect. I couldn't insist on love, but I could insist on respect.

If I had kids, my kids would hate me. They would have ended up on the equivalent of the Oprah show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it would've probably been them.

The thing I like the best, especially being a parent of so many kids, Is that they're all so different. You love them all equally, but they're all so different from each other and that's the cool thing, to see their personalities start to develop and see how unique and different they all are and to be able to love them in their own unique ways. It's really, really, really special.

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

I was able to draw a lot from my own childhood, my friends' childhoods as well and my daughters' friends who are like my children as well. They multiply all the time. So you can have everything and say I can get all this done and then late at night one of your kids have a freak out about school or an assignment you end up staying up til 3 in morning helping them through it. Or somebody gets sick or has a crisis.

I conveniently forgot to remember that people only have two hands, or, as another parent once said of having a third child, it's time for a zone defense instead of man-to-man.

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

Parenting is a constant struggle between making your kids life better and ruining your own.

It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.

Children are a battle of a different sort. ... A battle without banners or warhorns but no less fierce.