Jimmy Fallon Quotes

Comedically, unpleasantness is great fun.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

These people were not only cheering, they were throwing flowers and hats. The hats were made of stone, but the thought was there.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut.

I’m not certain you’d know the right sort of man for you if he arrived on our doorstep riding an elephant.” “I would think the elephant would be a fairly good indication that I ought to look elsewhere.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Comedy aims at representing men as worse, Tragedy as better than in actual life.

Daisy looked up at him with the kind of expression that Jesus might have given someone who had just explained that he was probably allergic to bread and fishes, so could He possibly do him a quick chicken salad.

The thing about Donald [Trump] is the jokes write themselves. I don't even think of it to be trolling. What he says is the joke.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

The goodness of your true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

Union Rule 26: Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odor.