John Marston Quotes

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.

Comedians shame people.

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

Are you stupid or did you just take lessons?

If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you.

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

I thought the two ugly ones were sisters, but they got very insulted when I asked them. You could tell neither one of them wanted to look like the other one, and you couldn't blame them, but it was very amusing anyway.

Elvis has left the building to climb up that heavenly stair. So what if he looks like a wart-hog in heat?

I'm sorry, but were you dropped on your head as an infant?

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.

You're looking exceptionally ugly tonight, Madam, is it because we have company?

Did you come out of the womb a dickhead or develop that jockstrap personality on your own? (Hunter)

Irri and Jhiqui argued about Rakharo. “You are too skinny for him,” Jhiqui was saying. “You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known.” Irri bristled back. “It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows.

You bloody silly fool!

Scratching could not make it worse, an't were such a face as yours were.

Did you ever know that you're a jackass?

Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.

How was I to know idiocy was only a temporary condition, especially in your case? It never has been before!

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insults. Yours is to be in-sluts.

I never saw myself as Mr. Ugly, but I'm not that handsome. I can sort of be made to look quite a lot better or quite a lot worse.