Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Even in the best of lives, mistakes are made.

I've fallen over on stage a couple of times, but I've only ever bruised my ego.

In sixth grade, my basketball team made it to the league championships. In double overtime, with three seconds left, I rebounded the ball and passed it - to the wrong team! They scored at the buzzer and we lost the game. To this day, I still have nightmares!

You know what, when you screw up in the ring, it's so embarrassing.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.

I don’t make many mistakes but when I make one, it’s a beaut.

It’s very difficult to come to grips with how we screwed this up, but we screwed this up.

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

And then I screwed up and the Colonel screwed up and Takumi screwed up and she slipped through our fingers.

If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

You can spend the entire second half of your life recovering from the mistakes of the first half.

I swear the sparrows called us ten kinds of idiot when we did it.

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

I usually never stay at the board after a game. Especially against Spassky. I made a dumb suggestion and he refuted it instantly! I know I'm going to have to play him some day and it was really stupid to look like such a jerk in front of him.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

We have made mistakes! We were too late. If we had presented our national interests more clearly from the beginning, the world would still be in balance today.

If you look back at life, I bet you will regret about 80% of your actions. But life consists of all mistakes.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Made plenty of mistakes along the way - all of which I am truly sorry.

You're my favorite mistake

No one starts as a self-hater. But rack up all of your mistakes and take a large enough number of wrong turns in life and soon you stop trying to forgive yourself. Everywhere you look you find shame or failure staring back.