Bette Midler Quotes

I think my wife married me for my guacamole.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

When my wife and I promised the rest of our lives to each other, I doubt either of us suspected that life would involve quite so much TV.

I am not against marriage - without marriage, ninety-nine percent jokes will disappear from the world. How I can be against marriage? I am all for it.

I have the best divorce of anyone I've heard of.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

Willie Nelson's the one who told me the reason it costs so much to get divorced is because it's worth it.

The plural of spouse is spice.

It's not so hard to be married, I've done it three or four times.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

I'm bored. I need to be entertained. Sam is moping. I may kill him with his own guitar. It would give me something to do and also make him say something. Two birds with one stone!

I said, "It seems like you have fond feelings toward your ex-wife. Are you two still close?" "Nah," he said casually. "She thinks I changed my name to Motherfucker."

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

What can you say about a man, who on Mother's Day sends flowers to his mother-in-law, with a note thanking her for making him the happiest man on Earth?

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

(When asked who wore the pants in his house:) I do, and I also wash and iron them.

Call me bored, but don't call me boring.

Anyway, he's gone. Which, as you know, is how I like my men.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

There was never any question about his (Enos Slaughter) courage. He proved it by getting married four times.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

People are reluctant to cite boredom as grounds for divorce.