Andy Rooney Quotes

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

I asked Mr. Vann which O levels you need to write situation comedy for television. Mr. Vann said that you don't need qualifications at all, you just need to be a moron.

Learn to write well, or not to write at all.

I spent 11 years at 'The Daily Show,' and I learned everything there about how to write funny, how to write funny on topic.

I never do any television without chocolate. That's my motto and I live by it. Quite often I write the scripts and I make sure there are chocolate scenes. Actually I'm a bit of a chocolate tart and will eat anything. It's amazing I'm so slim.

I have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Well, I always say that the two things I was most disastrous at in my life, being a teenager and being a wife, were the two things I really wound up cashing in on when I was writing fluffy magazine pieces.

If what I write is literature, I guess you'd better emphasize the 'litter.'

I'm not much of a joke writer.

I saw an Emmy ad that AMC took out with all the 'Breaking Bad' nominees' photos, and there's my picture from the show. It's like World's Ugliest Man - I'm an automatic winner in that category.

Writing is the greatest thing about really good sitcoms.

I love to write. I love it. I mean there's nothin in the world I like better, and that includes sex, probably because I'm so very bad at it.

Anybody could write a bad script, and I'm one of them, you know?

I've told everyone that I grew old on 'Hee Haw,' but I could've grown old without it.

I like Colbert because he's funny, and he's cool. He knows how to have fun and doesn't stick his nose up to Fox.

I did a web series years ago where I helped write a kind of a spoof called 'Young Love.'

I think I'm funnier in my writing than in person.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd be doing sitcoms.

I've been a fan of Bob Odenkirk since he was on HBO originally with 'Mr. Show.'

I always write well in New York.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.