Alexander Woollcott Quotes

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track.

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

My whole life is classical now. Except my wife. I don't have a classical wife. I have a classy wife, but I don't have a classical wife.

You know, one of the things my husband says when people say 'Well, what did you bring to Washington,' he said, 'Well, I brought arithmetic.'

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.' 'And yet it is still extremely funny.

Actually, I do like pink clothes, but it's not because I'm girly, it's because I'm the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde.

Good taste is the enemy of comedy.

I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I shall endeavour to enliven Morality with Wit, and to temper Wit with Morality, that my Readers may, if possible, both Ways findtheir Account in the Speculation of the Day.

Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.

[To the man who came up to her at a party and exclaimed effusively, 'Tallulah! I haven't seen you for 41 years!':] I thought I told you to wait in the car.

The concept of marriage must have been thought up by an unimaginative pig.

The Stones suggested that if you dabble in decadence, you could turn into a devil-worshipping junkie. Paul McCartney suggested that if you mess around with girl worship, you could turn into a husband. So Paul was a lot scarier.

My husband is very funny and his humor has gotten us through a lot. He's good at defusing me.

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

Humor is a kind of emotional chaos told about calmly and quietly in retrospect.There is always a laugh in the utterly familiar.

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

It's always judged on funny first, then the facts, and the realism, and the points that you're trying to make.

I can count all the lovers I've had on one hand...if I'm holding a calculator.