Thomas Hauser Quotes

Not a lot of girls can KO fighters. I KO all the girls.

Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

Math and reading are my only weaknesses - other than that, I'm perfect.

I'm the easiest person to make fun of.

I really believe I can knock anyone out in this world.

I've fought the best in the world.

I know I only need one punch to knock any guy out.

I like to think of myself as the corniest, most awful thing you could possibly imagine.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I was probably the best that ever walked this earth. And I could take a punch. I could deliver a punch. I didn't have the hardest punch in the world but my punches were sharp and they were crisp. And if you took too many of them, you would be knocked out.

When I was a child, my father taught me to put up my fists like a boy and to be prepared to defend myself at all times.

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

I have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write.

Yes sir, I am a tortured man for all seasons, as they say, and I have powerful friends in high places. Birds sing where I walk, and children smile when they see me coming.

My problem is people seem to laugh at me, but the one that laughs harder than anybody is me.

So, I'm the Eighth Wonder of the World. It's flattering and very, very funny.

I just want to be a fighter. I just like to win fights.

You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.

I'm really great at making terrible analogies.

I've been used by women all my life, fortunately.

I'm very good at daydreaming. Ask any of my schoolteachers.

My forte is awkwardness.

I'm so down to earth, I'm bringing gravity back.

I thank you in advance for the great round of applause I'm about to get.