Joseph Heller Quotes

Husbands & wifes [sic] are separating at a fearful rate and “taking up” with other persons. Not infrequently a man is living with two or three wifes. Though this has been the custom of the race and habit of the country for years, yet it cannot be looked upon in any light than a huge system of prostitution by sane persons.

You're asking somebody who has a wife and is really happily married, 'So, what's your next wife going to be like?' And I'm like, 'What?'

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

Christian - One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.

A person does not leave a good marriage for someone else.

Some people get divorced, they leave the person for a couple of years, then they remarry. Relationships are very, very strange.

I have spent more nights with Roberto Carlos than all of the women I have been married to put together.

Sometimes marriages break up, sometimes relationships don't work.

I do not regret the end of my first marriage.

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

I've had only three wives and three guitars in my life, though I've flirted with others.

I have four children and nine grandchildren. I'm presently wearing out my second wife.

I was amongst the virtues like the great Turk in his seraglio of women, and I chose to dwell with that virtue which looked the fairest in my eyes and gave me at that season most pleasure. In short, I made wives of them: I first admired them, then made them my own property, and if they would not submit to my will, I again turned them off and divorced them.

I dipped into his brain. He wasn't happy that I wasn't wearing a bra, because my boobs distracted him. He was thinking I was a bit too curvy for his taste. He was thinking he'd better not think about me that way anymore. He was missing his wife.

As to Caesar, when he was called upon, he gave no testimony against Clodius, nor did he affirm that he was certain of any injury done to his bed. He only said, He had divorced Pompeia because the wife of Caesar ought not only to be clear of such a crime, but of the very suspicion of it.

The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral. They say the Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy.

That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'

Henry VIII had so many wives because his dynastic sense was very strong whenever he saw a maid of honour.

Some of us cannot be optimists, but all of us can be bigamists

Actually the best thing I did was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

A man who did not have but one wife in the Resurrection that woman will not be his but be taken from him and given to another.

I had not been married scarcely five minutes, and made one proclamation of the Gospel, before it was reported that I had seven wives.... I am innocent of all these charges.... What a thing it is for a man to be accused of committing adultery, and having seven wives, when I can only find one. I am the same man, and as innocent as I was fourteen years ago; and I can prove them all perjurers.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.