Jim Jefferies Quotes

I've been doing stand-up since '89.

I can tell you this: Stand-up is not glamorous.

Stand-up comedy is not a man's job. It's an alpha job: To be the only person in a room with a microphone who's allowed to talk.

Sometimes you watch comedians and feel like they're jerking off in front of you, but they want you to see how big it is.

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

You saw a lot of guys, especially in the early '90s, whose acts were a pitch for a sitcom. A lot of them were very funny, but there's nothing worse than watching comedians or musicians who are up there and are doing something they're not interested in.

You're always on duty because you're in a constant state of observation. That's one of the challenges of being a comedian. I think one of the other challenges is that, whether we like it or not, it's a profession that requires failure. It doesn't just encourage failure. It requires it because it's all trial and error. You need to know what doesn't work to know what works.

I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.

If you've never seen me perform live, I'm a must-see. I'm very funny. I have a different perspective sometimes on a lot of what I do and the world itself, especially America.

George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."

Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.

Jesus was a crackpot.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Everything I do is intended to make people laugh and think. I just think something is funny, it's not hurting anybody, not stabbing anybody, not shooting anybody, not making anybody watch me perform. There are thousands of comedians, don't come see me because it's not like I hide it.

I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians ... just like some people are born dentists.

Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor. I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

The key to comedy is commitment - if you're afraid, you shouldn't be a comedian.

I didn't really get into comedy until a couple months before I started doing comedy.

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

When you're a comedian, you're just by yourself.

I'd heard that Lenny Bruce used a lot of profanity and obscenities in his act, and I was curious.

I'm in awe of comedians that do things that I can't do, whether it be a one-liner comic like Anthony Jeselnik, whether it be social issues commentary, whether it be - hell, Carrot Top. I can't be Carrot Top. I can't.

One of the funniest lines in my show was written for me by Alan Bursky. I really want to learn this routine!