Janeane Garofalo Quotes

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

I was always pretty broad. I've had a couple bad experiences. One time, I showed up late for a gig in Brooklyn at an Italian restaurant. I ran on stage, did my show, and then some guy in the audience threatened to kill me because he didn't like my joke. Instead of talking to him, I just ran off stage. And then, because I was late, the owner of the restaurant threatened to kill me. And I was 19 years old and so scared that I almost started crying. But, I've done every gig you can imagine, in every state.

I used to have a little whisky before I went on stage. I realized that could have slowly turned into something a bit more serious. I get hyped up. I also think doing it a lot, you get used to it. You get more confidence. It's confidence building, really.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

I'm actually sometimes nervous right before a performance, but as soon as I'm on the stage I'm like, 'okay, we're gonna rock this baby.'

The thing with stand-up is, I really enjoyed it, but I kind of loathed it as well. It makes me feel physically sick.

I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.

I'm nervous the first few songs, and then I'm like, 'I got this audience. I'm ready!'

I get nervous when I don't get nervous. If I'm nervous I know I'm going to have a good show.

I get nervous before everything - dates, filming, award shows. I just don't want to say something stupid. But as soon as I step out on that stage, or as soon as I show up to a date, it all goes away, and I just have a great time with whoever I'm with.

I hate auditions - when I'm doing them, I can't wait to get out the bleeding door.

When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.

I couldn't talk to people face to face, so I got on stage and started screaming and squealing and twitching.

I failed to get into drama school, and my best friend told me I should do stand-up instead. I was always doing gags and voices, so he booked a gig for me without telling me. I only had four days to write it. I did a seven-minute set; the first four minutes were terrible, but the last two were amazing.

I still get nervous about singing. I drink tea with honey and lemon before every concert. And I need to have scented candles in all of my hotel rooms.

There's some anxiety the 30 minutes before the show starts. But once you step on stage and face the people, everything goes away, and you have fun and enjoy the audience.

I like to be in waiting rooms with people as they're auditioning, because their terror calms me.

Even on TV appearances or big shows, I don't know if I've ever been as nervous as I was my first time doing stand-up. I just remember getting offstage and sitting down, and my right knee was just shaking from the adrenaline.

My nerves before a gig got worse; I had terrible bad nerves all the time. Once we started... I was fine.

Beer would be a great help in fighting off the mental depression which afflicts great multitudes.

I have performed my one-man show '700 Sundays' over 400 times now. There were only two times that I can honestly say I was nervous. The first was when I knew Mel Brooks was in the audience, and the second was when Sid Caesar came.

I still get terrified if I have to talk in front of a group of people. By having a character to play, it makes it safer.

I remember doing stand-up at an open mic a long time ago, and the MC was like, 'Who's next?' I said, 'Marietta Sirleaf,' and he was like, 'What?' And I was like, 'Ugh, okay, just Retta.' It stuck with me ever since.

I always have gotten nervous before every show. But the second I step onstage, it's all gone. It's sort of like an adrenaline rush for me.

I throw up before every show. I'm thinking about just making it part of the act.