Dave Attell Quotes

I jerk off 'til I bust blood.

Masturbation is great for the right arm

I do not think that obsession is funny or that not being able to stop one's intensity is funny.

I used to think masturbation was not really sex because it only involved me. That's a very limited view of human sexuality, and it isn't going to work for women.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Do you know what 'masturbation' is? I think you probably do because you are older than me. But just in case, I will tell you. Masturbation is when you rub your genitals until you have an orgasm. Wow!

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

The face of "evil" is always the face of total need. A dope fiend is a man in total need of dope. Beyond a certain frequency need knows absolutely no limit or control. In the words of total need: "Wouldn't you?" Yes you would. You would lie, cheat, inform on your friends, steal, do anything to satisfy total need. Because you would be in a state of total sickness, total possession, and not in a position to act in any other way. Dope fiends are sick people who cannot act other than they do. A rabid dog cannot choose but bite.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

There's an obsessive quality to it that I thought I would've grown out of by now. It's an ongoing source of shame for me.

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

The more you pursue distractions, the less effective any particular distraction is, and so I'd had to up various dosages, until, before I knew it, I was checking my e-mail every ten minutes, and my plugs of tobacco were getting ever larger, and my two drinks a night had worsened to four, and I'd achieved such deep mastery of computer solitaire that my goal was no longer to win a game but to win two or more games in a row--a kind of meta-solitaire whose fascination consisted not in playing the cards but in surfing the streaks of wins and losses.

Masturbation is good for the right arm.

I'm in favor of sexual encounters.

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!

I'm a promoter of masturbation. Don't sleep around...learn yourself first! Guys do it, but girls don't. They should.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Even as I approach the gambling hall, as soon as I hear, two rooms away, the jingle of money poured out on the table, I almost go into convulsions.

I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink.

You don't have to have a man! Masturbation is especially useful for older women, because men die sooner than we do. And so: Use it or lose it. It's not critical that every woman wants to stay juiced up. But if they do, it's perfectly fine. It's a lot easier to feel sexy and perform safely when you're flexible and have a certain amount of strength left. If you keep moving - walking, staying strong, doing squats - then having sex is both safer and more pleasurable, and you feel more empowered and better about yourself.

Crisis can be an addiction as powerful as any other.