Michael McIntyre Quotes

It's grueling never knowing if the audience is going to think you're funny. It's soul-destroying when they don't laugh.

I could never do stand-up because it's that thing of having to get up on stage. And out of every 10 jokes you tell, nine of them have to get a really good response.

I like getting up in front of an audience. It's fun when you go to a baseball game and the crowd is cheering you. I can't deny it. And it's very funny, too. Sometimes you're shy; you go somewhere and everyone's looking at you, so you feel a little self-conscious.

When I walk out on stage, I don't know who's in the audience. To me, in my little fat skull, the laugh is just the widest demographic you can get.

As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

The Apollo seats 3,600 people: I could hear them making a huge noise for Milton Jones and Lee Mack. If the audience doesn't make the same amount of noise for you, you feel like you've failed.

That's the thing: when I'm on stage, I don't care; there could be ten people there, there could be ten million people there. But if I'm offstage, I'm, like, counting the people. I know exactly where everyone's standing, how far they are from me.

I'd love to give my music to someone who really likes to wow the crowd. I feel like half the time I just want to hide in the dressing room!

Every single night I'm nervous. You never know how the audience is going to react.

I've never been heckled. I think because I look too small and vulnerable. Sometimes I look out into the audience and see pity in their eyes, so I guess those people may be the ones who would shout something out if they didn't feel so sorry for me.

Whenever I walk out on a stage, I'm begging for affection.

My ideal setting is I walk from the streets, backstage, and straight onto the stage. Two minutes, and I am on the stage. That way, in my head I have gone from my world and then into a social setting with my friends.

With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

I can't imagine playing a boring gig. Like, a boring audience without reaction, I will play against them.

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

In a strange way, I'm way more comfortable onstage than anywhere else.

I don't get stage fright, I actually love the energy, I love the spontaneity, I love the adrenaline you get in front of a live audience, it actually really works for me.

It wasn't so much that I was all alone on stage, but it was the realization of how much you need the response-you need the audience to tell you where to go.

But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain.

I would get ill before going onstage - something about getting in front of people, and if they don't laugh, I'm a bomb. I got over it when somebody laughed.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

Before I go on stage I pretend that everyone loves me.

You hear some people saying, 'I'm alive on stage; it's where I feel most complete...' I don't understand that at all; I find that weird and depressing. I don't dislike the audience; it's just when I'm up there, they're in the darkness. There's just a sound of laughing or not. They're not 'people,' they're this big organism.

When you get onstage, you can see everyone in the audience's face, down to the detail. You can see who may or may not be yawning.