Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I think it's dangerous to be optimistic. Things could go terribly wrong virtually overnight.

I will not go on a blind date.

So I go to my first book signing, and these two girls came up and gave me a piece of paper: '10 reasons you should date our dad. He climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. He's a lawyer.' He didn't know what was going on. He didn't even know me. They called him, and he came down and asked me out that day. Now I'm dating their dad!

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.

I was supposed to fight a guy back in the day. He didn't shower, specifically to throw off his opponents. Thank God I got injured, and I couldn't fight the fight. I was so worried about it. I was like, 'Oh my God - I heard about this guy.' It was the worst ever.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

She wants me to take out Patton.” Barron’s brows draw together. “Take out? As in transform him?” “No,” I say. “As in take out to dinner. She thinks we’d make a good couple.

Be careful what you wish for. There's always a catch.

We had no idea what we were getting into. We thought we were just doing this little vampire movie in Portland. There was just a lot of silliness, a lot of hijinks and bad behavior.

It's been predictable, in the sense of 'expect the unexpected'.

Only do not forget, if I wake up crying it's only because in my dream I'm a lost child hunting through the leaves of the night for your hands.

One of us had loved the other more perfectly, had watched the other more closely, and one of us listened and the other hadn’t, and one of us held on to the ambition of the one idea far longer than was reasonable, whereas the other, passing a garbage can one night, had casually thrown it away.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

From Natchez to Mobile, from Memphis to St. Joe, wherever the four winds blowI been in some big towns an' heard me some big talk, but there is one thing I knowA woman's a two-face, a worrisome thing who'll leave ya to sing the blues in the night.

At midnight tears Run into your ears.

The big winner last night in New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?

Had I been in love, I could not have been more wretchedly blind. But vanity, not love, has been my folly.

Things are different from what I thought. They're much worse.

A single action can cause a life to veer off in a direction it was never meant to go.

Dim eclipse, disastrous twilight.

Why did you do it?" I say. "You want me dead. You were willing to do it yourself! What changed?" He presses his lips together and doesn't look away, not for a long time. Then he opens his mouth, hesitates, and finally says, " I can't be in anyone's debt. Okay? The idea that I owed you something made me sick. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to vomit. Indebted to a stiff? It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. And I couldn't have it.

Salomé, Salomé, dance for me. I pray thee dance for me. I am sad to-night. Yes, I am passing sad to-night. When I came hither I slipped in blood, which is an evil omen; and I heard, I am sure I heard in the air a beating of wings, a beating of giant wings. I cannot tell what they mean .... I am sad to-night. Therefore dance for me. Dance for me, Salomé, I beseech you. If you dance for me you may ask of me what you will, and I will give it you, even unto the half of my kingdom.

He became fubar in the classic way, which is to say that he was the victim of a temporary arrangement that became permanent.

I feel so alone sometimes. The night is quiet for me. I'd love to be able to sleep. I'll probably not rest. I have no need for all this. Help me, Lord.