Matt Walsh Quotes

It is my secrecy which makes you unhappy, my evasions, my silences. And so I have found a solution. Whenever you get desperate with my mysteries, my ambiguities, here is a set of Chinese puzzle boxes. You have always said that I was myself a Chinese puzzle box. When you are in the mood and I baffle your love of confidences, your love of openness, your love of sharing experiences, then open one of the boxes. And in it you will find a story, a story about me and my life. Do you like this idea? Do you think it will help us to live together?

Sex accounts for about 40 percent of your relationship, but if it's bad, then it's 60.

Sex problems never are, they are troubles of the heart.

My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.

I gave a relenting sigh. "Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's." Pj's that consisted of nothing but a tank top and boy shorts--an image I didn't want to sear into Scott's mind. Scott smiled. "I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter." Ugh. The dimple in his cheek deepened. And it was not in any way cute... pg 196

In general, I don't care for scenes of copulation.Certain functions of the human body are bloody private.

Strangers come up to me in bars and tell me about their sex lives. I'm thinking, 'You think I can make it better somehow?'

But it's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. But people don't love forever. A time came when I should have found the words to keep her with me, only I couldn't.

The fact is that she was terribly undressed and I was extremely undressed too. The fact is that I still had my hand where she didn't have anything and she had hers where the same wasn't quite true of me. The fact is that I found myself underneath her and consequently she found herself on top of me.

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

People struggle in marriages and more than 55% of people get divorced.

I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.

My mom [comes] to see my shows because she's so proud, but I'm talking about losing my virginity, my ex-wife and our sexual problems, and she's sitting in the front row smiling. I just go, "Mom, you can't sit in the front row, you can't smile. You have to go way in the back and dress in black. If I see you it's like you're breaking in when I'm having sex with my wife. It's just wrong."

When you're trying to get laid, everything's great, but once you've been with someone eight years and the future is not finite, you have time to sit and really examine every little thing that irritates you.

Sex outdoors is great. I'm not an exhibitionist, but I love the possibility that people might be able to see.

Nudity and sex scenes are two completely different things. Nudity you can kind of get used to, but not when there is movement and relating involved. The sex scenes are very uncomfortable because that's something to be protected, so you have a visceral reaction to not exploit that.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Her underwear, her jeans, the comforter, my corduroys and my boxers between us, I thought. Five layers, and yet I felt it, the nervous warmth of touching – a pale reflection of the fireworks of one mouth on another, but a reflection nonetheless. And in the almostness of the moment, I cared at least enough. I wasn’t sure whether I liked her, and doubted whether I could trust her, but I cared at least enough to try to find out. Her on my bed, wide green eyes staring down at me. The enduring mystery of her sly, almost smirking, smile. Five layers between us.

For me, sex is a refraction of the thing about identity. In the sexual contact, which is usually - but not exclusively - between two people, you do retain separate people.

Hard, you know what I'm thinking, took the panties off and the pussy wasn't stinking.

Stay naked as much as possible, but do not impose your orgiastic will on others. Don't have sex in the lobby - it's usually awkward.

I've been married most of my life. And when you're married, you don't have sex.

I've given guys blow jobs just because I've run out of things to talk about.' Oh, Rae. Who hasn't

I knew I didn't want to put anything down in writing about the first time that I had sex. I knew that I didn't want to do that.

I don't like sleeping with people I really love. I don't want to sleep with them because sex cannot last, but affection can last forever.