Elayne Boosler Quotes

I don't want security guards. I don't think security guards are particularly good for your writing.

A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.

We all lock our doors at night, not because we hate the people outside, but because we love the people inside.

Because of the world we live in, we lock the doors in our house when we go to sleep. If you live in an apartment, if you can, you get a building that has a doorman or security.

You have a right to have a feather duster. If anyone breaks in, you can make sure they're really clean as they're robbing your house.

You're my life, Elle. When we have our children, they'll be included in that circle and I'm not a man to lose everything. I want you as safe as possible." "So you don't think three protection dogs, a room filled with weapons, a panic room and house that eats people isn't just a little overkill?

I need someone to protect me from all the measures they take in order to protect me.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.

Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Ahem. Dear Jesus," Taylor intoned more fervently. "We just want to thank you for gettin' us here safe ---" There was a loud, gurgling groan. Somebody shouted, "Oh my gosh! Miss Delaware just died!" "--- for gettin some of us here safe," Taylor continued. "And we pray that, as we are fine, upstandin', law-abidin' girls who represent the best of the best, you will protect us from harm and keep us safe until we are rescued and can tell our story to People magazine. Amen." - "Beauty Queens

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.

A lot of the stuff Kafka said he thought was hilariously funny.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

Unless I am very much mistaken...I AM very much mistaken...!

I've always been shocked that people that I'm actually flying with say, 'Oh, I feel safer on the plane with you.' I'm thinking, 'You must not watch the show because everybody around me gets killed.'

We have $70 and a pair of girl's underpants. We're safe as kittens.

The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.