Chelsea Handler Quotes

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

If I was a sex symbol, I would be getting laid a lot more than I am now.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny.

If something awkward happens, laugh. I don't think I've ever dated a guy who couldn't laugh - even in bed, during intimate times.

I know that in my own personal life, the people who I have dated who are funny can get away with a lot more than the people who aren't.

Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say 'I already know that.' Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about out how to avoid him in the future.

I don't think I'd have any friends if I didn't obscure at least 99% of my thoughts.

Do you wear a diaphragm everywhere you go?' I want to scream, but stop myself because the idea really excites me.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

And why had Deb's last boyfriend dumped her? I dumped him. Maybe you didn't French-kiss him enough. I promise you that wasn't it. Tell me how many times a day you kissed, and I'll say if it was enough. Four hundred. Not enough.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Good isn't my thing but Sawyer's important to me. Please remember I've got my limits and you studying my mouth like you want a taste is pushing me dangerously close to the edge of those limits.

I own your pleasure," I whispered into his mouth. "I'll take it if you won't give it to me.

Tatiana: "Why did we spend two days fighting when we could have been doing this?" Alexander: "That wasn't fighting, Tatiana. That was foreplay.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Adrian suddenly glanced up at me. Our gazes locked, and I felt like he could read my mind. How often did he think about that kiss? And if he really was crazy about me, did he imagine more than just kissing? Did he fantasize about me? What kinds of things did he think about? His lips on my neck? His hand on my leg? And was that leg bare . . . ?

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.