Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method . . . of obtaining money by false pretences [by] "reading character" in the wrinkles [of] the hand. The pretence is not altogether false. . . for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe."

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

I'm not a psychic. I don't look at a crystal ball.

I've seen the odd tarot reader and had my palm read in various countries and explained to me in many strains of broken English. Did I believe a word? To be honest, I didn't understand much, but I loved watching the presentation.

I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist.

I read the horoscope, and when I like it I smile and when I don't like it, I say, 'Dr. Ruth Westheimer, what's the matter with you?'

I wonder that a soothsayer doesn't laugh whenever he sees another soothsayer.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I thought you said scrying was a bad idea.” “It's like vodka,” Calla said. “It really depends on who's doing it.

I was surprised to find out there was a direct line from my palm to my, my, hootchie.

You don't have to gaze into a crystal ball when you can read an open book.

I love having my cards read - if you go to a proper place, they wouldn't dream of telling you anything awful that is going to happen.

Nowadays even presidents, vice-presidents, and heads of big agencies are opening their minds to accept psychic phenomena, because they know it works.

My whole life was foretold to me. An old Romany gypsy read my fortune.

I am coming back to New York after five years, and it seems that psychics are taking over the city.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

My mother reads tarot cards, actually, but I won't let her read mine.

Well, with prophecy you got to see what happens.

I don't expect that the million will ever be won, simply because there is no confirming evidence for any paranormal claims to date.

I can read the Tarot cards and believe in ghosts.

What are prophecies? Don't we hear them every day of the week? And if one comes true there may be seven blind and come to nothing.

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

My father always had people around the house who were famous psychics.

I'm terrified about psychic people who have their little shops. I always walk across the street and go somewhere else. Imagine if one of them came out with their face all pale and said, 'Hurry up and enjoy yourself.' No one wants to know that.