Amy Schumer Quotes

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

The moment you know that this is the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, you should start the engagement process. Once you know this, the nature of the relationship changes. You view actions differently, the pressure to have sex increases, and your relationship with others is affected. If you're considering getting engaged, write out the sentence Staying married is hard work fifty times. ...Though I say this with some humor, I think these points bear repeating: Don't underestimate the work involved, but don't panic either.

Enjoy him while it lasts," I called. "Apparently he has Girlfriend ADD." She looked away, but not before I caught the blush staining her cheeks.

My career is going to be played out year by year. Will I be here in 2004? I don't know. The record won't keep me here. Happiness will.

If you ask where a relationship is going too often the question has a habit of turning into where the relationship went. Unfortunately, however, God has given women an inbuilt irresistible urge to insist on knowing where their relationships are going, and to force their partners to discuss the matter at length whenever they are late for something.

Maybe I was worrying for nothing. Maybe it had just been casual for him, and I wouldn't even have to tell him it couldn't happen again. After all, the man was a couple hundred years older than me and a former gigolo. I certainly hadn't robbed him of his virginity.

The entire sweep of human history from the dark ages into the unknown future was considerably less important at the moment than the question of a certain girl and her feelings toward him.

If we are all alive ten years hence, let's meet, and see how many of us have got our wishes, or how much nearer we are then than now.

being with someone for over a year can mean that you love them … but it can also mean you’re trapped.

I crushed on the most popular guy in school! I saw him at a concert and I shouted out," Is that Shane Lopes? You were the most popular guy in my class, but you never wanted to go out with me. Instead it was Amanda Wayne. What are you thinking now?

Boys, welcome to the wonderful world of talking to women about their feelings. As a handy primer, here are a few things you should know: 1) Women have feelings. 2) You will spend the next seventy years or so trying to guess what they're feeling and why. 3) You will be wrong most of the time. 4) I like French Fries.

I can't imagine anything more stressful than monogamy.

My relationships usually last a few years. When I'm involved with a man, other men are fascinated with me, but the minute I'm single again, half of those men disappear because they don't have the balls to really want me.

To be honest, I don't have data in my brain of how a relationship with a man is supposed to function.

Sarah Palin is now the guy who hangs out in the high school parking lot, showing off his car, five years after he graduated.

Any acting roles will be few and far between until my kids are older and by then, who knows what I'll want to do?

Ken Heitz got drafted by the Bucks the same year I did. He went to their camp just for the experience, then dropped out to attend Harvard Law School. I always admired his combination of athleticism and brains.

On marriage: You sort of stumble along and reconnect and lose each other and reconnect again.

Go figure that. Joseph Morelli with a house, a dog, a steady job, and an SUV. And on odd days of the month he woke up wanting to marry me. It turns out want to marry him on even days of the month, so to date we've been spared commitment.

So, you’re hitting on Clare the Fair.” “I’m not hitting on her. I’m exploring the possibility of seeing her on social terms.” “He’s hitting on her,” Owen said around a mouthful of chips. “You’ve still got that thing you had for her back in high school. Are you still writing bad song lyrics about heartbreak?” “Suck me. And they weren’t that bad.” “Yeah, they were,” Ryder disagreed. “But at least now we don’t have to listen to you playing your keyboard and howling them down the hall.

There are pretenses which are very sincere, and marriage is their school.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

I don't have any trouble believing that you would avoid something seemingly perfect because you're in something you really want to prove to yourself you can do right.

Well, of course, all of the statistics say there are fewer eligible black men in my circle. But I've never thought of it that way. I believe that if the right person came into my life that would have been terrific.

The only damn thing I ever learned in all my years in art school was a piece is never done, it is just finished. You have to trust your inner voice, your instincts, when they tell you pencils down. And you roll up your sleeves and you start over again.