Jim Gaffigan Quotes

The parenting bit is much harder than the acting bit. You just never know what to do.

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

The thing about parenting rules is there aren't any. That's what makes it so difficult.

You know, parenting is so personal. And we're all afraid that we didn't quite get it right. And it feels like the stakes are so high. By we - what if we made a mistake?

We go into parenting, and we discover that we don't have the answers. We are at a loss.

Between work and the kids, I never see anyone anymore. I mean, when I first met with ABC last spring, and they asked me what I'd been doing lately, I said: 'Gee, I have two kids. I'm usually covered with food, wrinkled and feel guilty all the time.

Ironically, parenting is a shame and judgment minefield precisely because most of us are wading through uncertainty and self-doubt when it comes to raising our children.

Being a parent can make you a horrible person at times, because you're pushed to the limit constantly.

I think it is important to say that though, of course, it is wonderful to have children, it is a disservice to others not to also say how hard it is to do it alone.

I don't think anyone masters parenthood.

The more I read about feeding times, sleep times and waking-up times, the more inadequate and miserable I felt.

As I started parenting, I realised there is no formula to it.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.

(About parenting:) ... all that tedium, broken up by little spurts of high drama.

I don't know what the f--k I'm talking about with parenting.

Being a parent is absolutely exhausting and draining, along with all the joy and love.

Everyone told me to sleep when the baby sleeps, but she sleeps during the daytime, and that's when I have to get stuff done! I've been a zombie.

We could improve worldwide mental health if we acknowledged that parents can make you crazy.

I'll never get sick of raising my children, but other people might get sick of them.

There's some people that are 24 hours with the baby and it doesn't make a difference. They could be anywhere.

This is one thing they forget to mention in most child-rearing books, that at times you will just lose your mind. Period.

Suddenly we have a baby who poops and cries, and we are trying to calm, clean up, and pin things together all at once. Then as fast as we learn to cope--so soon--it is hard to recall why diapers ever seemed so important. The frontiers change, and now perhaps we have a teenager we can't reach.

If I had kids, my kids would hate me. They would have ended up on the equivalent of the Oprah show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it would've probably been them.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?