Johnny Carson Quotes

There is an old story about the mother who had two sons. One went to sea, and the other became vice-president, and neither was ever heard of again.

Doing the show. That 10 AM feeling when the doors open up. Forget about it! Also, my son coming home with a respectable grade on something that I know he's worked hard on. And good health excites me, too.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

I'm proud of my kids, they are doing what they want to do.

My older son who is, I think, here tonight, is forty-one years old. Which is odd because so am I.

If you look at the whole thing, I think the most gratifying thing is my kids, without a doubt.

When I am working, I have two shows on Saturday, and when I wake up, and it's a lovely day, I just cry. I'm joking: I love my job.

I'll never forget the blooming happiness that spread in me like the sun coming up when Lydia's obstetrician poked me awake: 'Congratulations... you have a fine son.'

I'm always awoken with the joyous sound and laughter of my son. That's the best part about being a mom.

I try to think of school - this is going to sound awful - as something I do in my free time.

Both my children have degrees from UCLA.

I want my son Yash to do better work than me.

In my 40s: I had two children young enough to think their parents wonderful, my business was booming, I was happily married and living in the Cotswolds with a veg garden and ponies in the paddock. Who could not be happy?

Well, I've obviously been a great source of inspiration to the academic population of Salford! They're citing me as a major contribution to their upward trajectory!

My son, your ineptitude is so vast, your incompetence so profound, that I am certain you are inhabited by greater power than I have ever known.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Mom, thanks for letting me drop out of high school. Haha!

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

- I'm so busy doing what I must do that I don't have time for what I ought to do... and I never get a chance to do what I want to do! - Son, that's universal. The way to keep that recipe from killing you is occasionally to do what you want to do anyhow.

Nixon had the unique ability to make his enemies seem honorable, and we developed a keen sense of fraternity. Some of my best friends have hated Nixon all their lives. My mother hates Nixon, my son hates Nixon, I hate Nixon, and this hatred has brought us together.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

Did you use a chainsaw?" Joey said. "I seem to recall you like chainsawa." "There wasn't a power outlet." Clay turned to me. "That's what I want for Father's Day, darling. A gas powered chainsaw.

The only joy in his being mine, is that the not mine is mine.