George Carlin Quotes

I've had some wonderful times at the White House. I've been with Ford, Carter, Reagan, Clinton and Bush.

President Ford was taken for a ride by his predecessor, whom he unpardonably pardoned; Jimmy Carter was also taken for a ride, but by his successor, Ronald Reagan, over the return of the Iran hostages.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

With Clinton, there's no question that I would have made fun of his out-and-out lying. But he's also a good friend.

I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

So I would say Reagan was the best, and certainly Clinton the worst.

Nobody gets irony anymore, as we are now living in the post-ironic age. Once George Bush gets a library, our irony is dead.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

I'm really curious about the memory of Nixon for people who grew up under Clinton. What do people remember of him? In his day, the definition of a conservative right-wing president is more like a centrist in our own time. He's also one of our funnier presidents - just a really good character to write about.

History buffs probably noted the reunion at a Washington party a few weeks ago of three ex-presidents. Carter, Ford and Nixon. See no evil, hear no evil and evil.

If Obama was a sonnet, Trump is a limerick. And really, which ones do you enjoy more?

Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton both had exceptional natural abilities. Nelson Rockefeller was very good statewide but never gained national traction.

I was very involved in political satire, and I'd been writing parody for 'Mad' and 'National Lampoon,' so I made up some strange story about Gerald Ford.

One of my most often repeated quips was the one I made when former Presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon stood by each other at a White House event. 'There they are,' I said. 'See no evil, hear no evil, and . . . evil.'

It took a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, it may take another Clinton to clean up after the second one

A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the supreme court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. Ah, those were the good old days.

They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.

Nobody, nobody, perhaps in the history of politics was worse to women or abused women more than Bill Clinton.

Of course there's a backlash. Of course. Look, half the country voted for Donald Trump. But I think one of the things that we try to do on Update is we try to hit him on the facts. If Hillary Clinton was President we would be making fun of her just as much. We're not trying to be right, we're not trying to be wrong, we're trying to be funny.

So 38% think that Donald Trump's not qualified to be president. How many people thought that about Bill Clinton? Bill Clinton actually did the kind of things Trump is talking about.

If I lived in another country, like a country that was, say, an enemy of the United States, I would be more amused than I am.

I'd almost prefer [Richard] Nixon. I'd say [Bill] Clinton is every bit as corrupt as Nixon, but a lot smoother.

President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.'

Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic.

Democrats are not angry about 9/11. Sad, maybe - sad that it didn't happen on Clinton's watch so his legacy would be more than a semen stain. But they're not angry.