Dave Attell Quotes

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Violence is not funny.

I half-punched a paparazzo once. I've hit a few people.

Let's face it, when is it actually ever funny to joke about hitting someone? Never, right? The threat to give someone a slap, no matter how you look at it, is aggressive.

Girls like you want to cut guy's nuts off and hang 'em from your rearview mirror.

Take your f***ing tampon out and tell me what you have to say.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Hakeem couldn't kick your ass cause you were too close, kissing his!

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me off.

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

Man, you weigh a freaking ton. What have you been eating, rocks?" * Max: "Why, is your head missing some?" o Chapter 68 p. 214 + Fang carried Max while flying after she had "a stroke or something". Gazzy: "I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahs!" ter Borcht: "Is dere anysing special about you? Anysing vorth saving?" Fang: "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.

Women are the bloodthirsty sex," said Ric sadly. "We get the reputation, but it is only because the women stand behind us, and say, Kill it. Squish it.

I just love to fight. I like to hurt people. I haven't lost that. I didn't lose it when I first got a bit of wealth and I haven't lost it now. The nature of my business is to hurt people.

Marvin started his ironical humming again. Zaphod hit him and he shut up.

What are you looking at sugar-tits?

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

That Obama I would like to cut his nuts off.

Look, you runny-nosed little runt. You're going to back off right now, or I'm going to rip that safety pin out of your nose and pin your mouth shut.

They are most welcome. We will butcher them.

My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack. If it is a vessel equal to yours, attack. And if it is stronger than yours, also attack.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?